Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
