i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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