too bad you live with your parents still
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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