i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
