I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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