When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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