I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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