Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Are my feet made of real feet?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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