He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
