I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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