Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
