got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
