Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
