I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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