So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
