I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
