I think I died a long time ago.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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