i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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