I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
