I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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