we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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