I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
