I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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