She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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