It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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