I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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