you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
