Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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