I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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