I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
