When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
