Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
