I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
