Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
