And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
