i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
