I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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