so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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