Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
