I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
