remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
