I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
