Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
