i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
