the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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