her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
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