I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
