My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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