I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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