under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
3 2 1 whiskey
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
