it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
