I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
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You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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