Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
