I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
