the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
