Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
