Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
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He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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