and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
