the condom got lost in my hair
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
