You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
