My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I could make wine with my vomit
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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