thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
