first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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