I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
